We're Sorry We Created Eukarya


If life had been less volcanic and volatile a billion years ago, we, Archaea and Bacteria, would have eventually figured out how to get along. We were heading in that direction. Then we could have evolved more intentionally, instead of so randomly, and we never would have created Eukarya. But instead, those Eukaryotes got going and they ran amok. It didn't take long to evolve from a sponge to Vlad the Impaler. You can understand our remorse.

We're sorry we created Eukarya.
We're so sorry we created Eukarya.
Life would not be so obnoxious
If we had stayed microscopic.
We're sorry we created Eukarya.

Now, we must admit that Eukaryotes seem to have a pretty good time, especially with those reproductive organs. We also envy their teeth. Ripping flesh apart must be satisfying. And clearly, they've done well and accomplished a lot, and they created some pretty good stuff; paintings, stories, and music, for example. Of course, we have our own art forms, but we never would have invented bebop. It's ironic that the species of eukaryote that invented the glories of bebop had to go and ruin everything and endanger all life on the planet.

We're sorry we created Eukarya.
We're so sorry we created Eukarya.
Along with the yum came a whole lot of yuck
There's nowhere we can pass the buck.
We're sorry we created Eukarya.

But lately we have heard some news from our spies in high places. The world is starting to fry and sizzle, and this will be the end of Eukarya. We knew this would happen so we began to prepare ourselves hundreds of millions of years ago. We are now very tough little critters; we can withstand anything. Eukaryotes think they are invincible, but they are all softies; puffy, runny, squishy, extremely flammable, unable to live outside their own ecosystem, they are all going down. We'll miss a lot of them, especially the paramecium and the bristlecone pines, but it's for the best. If any Eukaryotes survive, it starts all over again. If they accidentally get created again we will kill them. That's one thing we're good at, killing Eukaryotes.

We're sorry we created Eukarya.
We're so sorry we created Eukarya.
It seemed like a good idea at the time
To join our two families in the slime.
We're sorry we created Eukarya

We're makng plans for a world without Eukarya. It will take some effort, and possibly a few hundred million years more, but once the Earth returns to its previous more stable state, we are confident that we will be able to take over some of the good things that Eukaryotes invented, such as those dynamic bebop combos. We have learned everything played by our two favorite Eukaryotes, Charlie Parker and Dizzy Gillespie, and we will carry on their legacy. Make jazz not war will be our motto.

We're sorry we created Eukarya.
We're so sorry we created Eukarya.
They're ruining our host
So now they will toast
We'll say good riddance to Eukarya
Be-bop au rooney scooby bap bap bam
Good riddance to Eukarya

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